*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
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dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Did my cat write this
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
If you had more money you’d be happier.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.