Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
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Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
I’m pretty like a car crash.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
💻🤡
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter