Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
You Might Also Like
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.