ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
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[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
“our sushi is very fresh”
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Did my cat write this
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…