brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
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*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don鈥檛 give a shit.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That鈥檚 normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I鈥檓 a weremango
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
馃槀馃槀
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I鈥檓 saying is I鈥檝e never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can鈥檛 get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don鈥檛 yell at me. You need a taco.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it鈥檚 like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don鈥檛 want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I鈥檒l just buy a lottery ticket.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
I don鈥檛 get upset when autocorrect screws me because it鈥檚 the most action I鈥檝e seen in years.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir