ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
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2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Bro what is this
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell