Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
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My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.