Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
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3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Sounds like a bargain
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
every. time.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”