If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
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Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
79.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
My birthstone is kidney
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.