Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
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If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Ain’t no way
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
*sewing*
A thread
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty