He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
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I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
twitter is a journey
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
I’m going to need a moment here.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.