who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
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cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.