doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
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That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Wise advice
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
🤭😂
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?