-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
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9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass