Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
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Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
That’s not how days work.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.