#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
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You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.