One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
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I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.