Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
You Might Also Like
I would like even faster food.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”