Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
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“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
dogs can find happiness so easily
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.