I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷‍♀️
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u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.