First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
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We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.