[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
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sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.