Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
You Might Also Like
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.