My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
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[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*