wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
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Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Oh. My. God.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away