DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
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This is I, Robot all over again
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.