Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
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Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
I have never related to a cat more
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.