I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
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A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.