If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
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[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
you will never know the true number of layers
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.