Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
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Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
If a snake ate a cake
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Good morning
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life