Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
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date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.