Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
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person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.