I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
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Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO