customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
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“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.ā
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
I aināt cray-cray, Iām inappro-pro.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
Butā¦I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
My daughter has decided she loves giving āmassagesā, or as I like to call them, ātests of momās pain toleranceā
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue āI saw the animal first!ā at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
āDo you want to hold my baby?ā
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. š³š
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Teens be like, āI wanted to do that until you asked me toā.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
āIām running 5 minutes lateā = Iām running 10 minutes late
āIām running 10 minutes lateā = Iām running 20 minutes late
āin trafficā = just got in a car
āleaving nowā = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead theyāre growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We donāt even have a cat
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.