My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
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I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Beauty and the Beast
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
seems fine
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness