My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
You Might Also Like
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.