That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
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POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?