[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
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His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
don’t we all
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.