9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
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Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Rooting for the overdog
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.