No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
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[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
had to share :’)
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.