I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
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It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Every photo I’m tagged in
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
yall want some gasoline milk
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no