No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
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20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
それは草
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.