to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
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I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no