*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
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“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH