7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
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what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s