{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
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Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?