*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
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Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right