New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
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I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Always a metermaid never a meter
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF