Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
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I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms