—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
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“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Duck typos.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.